Dear Fairy Godmother,

Just wanted to send you a quick note of thanks.  You have been so thoughtful lately sending me numerous suitors to win my affection.  How joyful for me to be the object of desire for such a "quality" caliber of men. (note sarcasm here)  What delight for my ego to learn that some of these "princes" are a whopping 10 years my junior.  What more could one ask for?  This just confirms for me what I already knew; that I don't actually look like someone near the...choke...39 years I almost am.  However, just a few points to note for your future reference.....

If in the future you feel the need to send another young suitor my way, perhaps you could consider one that looked more like Ashton and less like.... well not Ashton.  I mean, let's make it worth my while if I am going to log in all those man hours training such a young pup!

Also, if in the future you send a king to do his prince's bidding, perhaps you could make the prince more "Charming" and less say...."Lord Farquar".  I do appreciate the large dowry dangled in front of my nose like a carrot, but alas a life in the tower seems more favourable.

Now I know you must be thinking that such an "old maid" (no matter how fair she is) should not be so picky. However, since the suitors you have sent my way throughout my adult life have been less than stellar, I feel confident in saying you really owe me one!  I don't believe that I am asking for a lot. I do not expect Prince William, but I don't think I deserve Prince Charles.  Despite his sense of humour.  So here I have created a list of what "I am NOT looking for" in a mate and not what I am looking for.  I will hope that you will take this list to heart in your future searches on my behalf..... you old bitter hag.

1. No Shreks.
2. No prince that could pass for one of the Seven Dwarfs.
3. DEFINITELY no donkeys....I realise that does make your job a little bit harder.
4. No court jesters.  Humour being very important, but have them actually be funny....not think they are funny.
5. No fire breathing dragons.  My dental plan is not that good.
6. No beasts!....well ok...maybe just a little bit.
7. No egos like Gaston...but tall like Gaston.
8. Absolutely no Pinocchio's.  I don't care how long that nose can get.
9. No Quasimodo's.  I don't do hunchbacks.
10. No more frogs.  I don't care how much you kiss them, THEY DO NOT EVER turn into a Prince!  Ever.

Sincerly,
Your forever date-less Princess.